Look At My Wedding Dress

Okay, so after looking at all the great comments on my last post I felt a lot better. I settled on the dress above from JCrew. Clearly, I am not as thin as the model wearing the dress and I am okay with that. I like that it is relaxed and not so tight that I can't eat dinner.

I ordered it online and will receive it next week. Hopefully, it will fit. I've ordered other dresses from them in the same size and they have been fine. I want to funk it up a little bit with some chunky turquoise jewelry and shoes. Thanks again for all your support!

Fat Bride: Who Cares?

Today I was reading some posts by various bloggers about weight gain. I have to say that right now, this minute, I don't give a crap what I weigh. I am so much more relaxed than I used to be while dieting. Dieting really does make people crazy. One of my friends is naturally thin, but recently went on (and off) a diet. She had never dieted before and was amazed how obsessed she became with food. We were talking about how food is all a dieter thinks about. She said she felt cranky and hungry all the time. Both of us agreed we'd rather be fat and happy than thin and grumpy.

My wedding day is fast approaching (37 days left) and I still haven't found a dress! I have been my usual obsessive self, buying and returning several dresses so far. I am freaking out about having everyone stare at me on my big day. My mom keeps assuring me that no one ever speaks poorly about the bride at her wedding, but I am still nervous. My fiance is very fit and I don't want everyone to look at me and think he could have done better. I'm having major anxiety about this. I have always been hyper aware of everyone's opinion of me. In some instances, this has served me well (i.e. job interviews). In others (i.e. wedding day) it is pretty cumbersome.

So, if I'm okay with my weight then why do I care if other people will be okay with it? Maybe I'm not really okay with it, but I feel like I am.

The Road To Recovery Paved With...Fat?

I just read this fascinating article about a mother who helped her daughter recover from anorexia. Some of the scenarios she describes are very familiar to me and my mom. When I was 15 I remember visiting a restaurant with my mom while on vacation. I ordered the salad (lettuce, no dressing, a few bits of chopped tomatoes) and hoped I would be able to eat it. When it arrived, there were a few croutons on it and I couldn't do it. I thought I would be able to act like I was "normal", but my brain wouldn't let me and tears started streaming down my face. I didn't want to make a scene so I went back to the car and waited for my family to finish eating. My mom came out to the car a minute or two later and she held me in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. I cried and cried. Hugging her felt so good.

Many people that haven't dealt first hand with eating disorders might be puzzled to know that I was anorexic and didn't want to be. I hated having anorexia. It was embarrassing to not be able to eat in social situations.

People made comments like, "I wish I had your willpower." Teachers asked me what my "diet secrets" were. I was 5'8", 100 lbs., and size 0 shorts would fall off me if I didn't wear a belt. With a waist size of 17 inches, I didn't think I was fat. Quite the opposite. I knew I was skeletal and incredibly embarrassed about the way everyone would stare at me. At one point, I allowed myself 500 calories a day. I didn't do it to lose weight, I did it because I hated myself. Nourishment of any kind was not allowed because I didn't think I deserved it.

I think that I never fully recovered from it. I grew to a "normal" weight, but still dieted. When I read an article on the importance of fat in recovery from anorexia, something clicked. The article talks about a study that showed anorexic patients who eat a diet of high fat, calorie-dense foods during their recovery were less likely to relapse than those who ate the same amount of calories, but less fat.

During my recovery, I ate more calories, but was still very restrictive about fat. To this day, I still buy diet this and fat free that. Last summer, at 27 years old, I joined Weight Watchers and began to lose a lot of weight. I didn't need to lose any weight in the first place, but I missed the familiar set of rules that caloric restriction brought to my life. It made me a little nervous to watch the pounds fall off my body. I asked my WW Meeting Leader if I was losing too much. She said I was fine. My hair started to fall out in fistfuls while I was showering. I remember that same thing happening 12 years ago and I was worried, but told myself anorexia couldn't be returning. I began to eat less and less until my brain kicked into action and said, "Eat!" This started a cycle of overeating and dieting which led me to creating this blog.

It's been over two months now and my journey into a life spent not dieting has been one filled with self-discovery...Stay tuned while my adventures continue!

Full Disclosure

I was reviewing some of my older posts and there are a few things I want to come clean on. My previous post will be italicized and my current comments will be in print. Here it goes...

I have been dieting for most of my life, despite the fact I have never had a weight problem.
This part is true. I began dieting in middle school and now I'm 28. When I began dieting, I was thin. I don't know what I am now...depends on who you ask. I feel "average".

My dieting started out of adolescent insecurity and then became habit.
There was a lot more going on than adolescent insecurity during my middle school years. I had various traumatic events in my life which I'm not comfortable sharing now, but I may do so at a later date. Dieting in middle school led to anorexia in high school, which led to overeating in college.

Like most women, dieting has become such a natural part of my life that I feel completely crazed if I am not following a specific meal plan. I've reached a point in my life where I'm over it. If I'm going to gain 10 lbs from eating an extra cookie after dinner, then so be it. I'm sick of dieting!
This part is true. Learning to listen to my hunger and eat what I want is sometimes scary. Gaining a few extra pounds since I gave up dieting has not been easy. Part of me feels incredibly relieved to not count calories and the other part feels disappointed that I am a bit bigger.

I think I was secretly hoping I would lose weight by not dieting, but this has not been the case for me. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise, since by dieting I was not listening to my hunger cues. Alas, there is no turning back for me. I will never diet again. I want to be honest with myself and listen to what my body is telling me it needs. Thanks to all the supportive emails and comments I have received, not dieting is a little less scary than it could be if I was doing it alone.
Cartoon

What Is Your Diet Distracting You From?

When I started this blog, I was tired. Much of my time was spent thinking about how and when I would lose weight. Like many of you, I would spend my time reading up on the latest diet fad or fantasize about when I would lose those extra 5 pounds. As time has gone by, my thoughts about dieting have decreased immensely.

Now that I have freed up my time and energy, I have been doing lots of research on why we are obsessed with dieting. Reading and rereading these books has given me a lot of support and new ideas to think about. All of these books are available at my Book Store.

One book in particular that I am reading is When Food Is Love, by Geneen Roth. In this book, Roth explores the idea that diets distract us from real problems we have in our lives that we don't want to face. If we have an unsatisfying job and/or had a traumatic childhood experience, dieting can help us forget about it.

Planning a new diet is exciting and fills us with hope. We become sure that this time will be different. But, it's not and the cycle of dieting continues as we search for a different diet. It is easier to feel bad about a failed diet than to face the real issues that make us feel unsatisfied.

Currently, I am dealing with some real issues and it is hard. Slipping into old thought patterns is very easy. Reading books like these and working on this blog have been a tremendous affirmation of my goal: Not Dieting For One Year!

Wedding Bells

Yowza! Sometimes it is not the bride who is Bridezilla...I love my father-in-law dearly, but holey moley! There should be a reality show on him. I'm happy he's so excited, but at times his excitement is a bit intense. If my biggest complaint is that my father-in-law wants to be involved in the wedding and is pumped about it, then my life is f-ing amazing.

Our big day is on June 28 and I'm sooo excited. Reader, Miss Mabel, pointed out something that I wish to discuss. I am a bride to be and I am not dieting! Planning a wedding and meeting everyone's needs is tough enough as it is, without having to worry about a diet. I strongly recommend not dieting before your wedding. Dieting just adds unnecessary stress to the wedding planning.

When I have children of my own one day, I want them to look at my wedding pictures and see a happy woman who accepts herself exactly as she is. And a wonderful man (I'm not going to get all Katie Holmes on you, don't worry) who loves her for it.

Don't Take Diet Advice From Strangers

I've been on jury duty for the last seven weeks. I was on an interesting trial (nothing gruesome) and met a few fun gals. While eating lunch, taking breaks, and deliberating I received two very annoying comments.

Me: (I was eating string cheese and crackers)
Lady: Dairy is not good for you.
Me: Excuse me?
Lady: Cheese and milk are not made from humans and they make you fat.
Me: Uh-huh.
Lady: I stopped eating dairy and my mucus levels really went down.
Me: Hmmm.

The funny thing about this conversation is when we ate lunch in the court cafeteria, she ate cheesecake and cheesey lasagna!! So weird. It's bad enough that she was telling me what to eat, but it's just plain ridiculous that she doesn't even follow her own advice.

Me: (Drinking a Diet RootBeer--I know, I know, some habits are hard to break)
Different Lady: You need to watch it with that Diet Soda.
Me: Why?
Different Lady: It will give you osteoporosis.
Me: If I drink regular the corn syrup will put plaque in my arteries, so I guess I'm going down no matter what.
Different Lady: The carbonation will kill you.
Me: What?
Different Lady: The phosphorus sucks the calcium out of your bones.
Me: It's really good.

The silly thing about this story is that she was about 200 pounds overweight, recently had gastric bypass surgery, and would eat fried fish and fried onion rings every day for lunch. She was definitely not a picture of health.

Does anyone have any good suggestions for next time someone comments on my/your eating habits? This video might help...

Let Yourself Go!

Click here to find out why this hot fat lady is with a hot dude.

One of my most hated phrases that I hear women say about other women is, "Oh, she used to be so pretty. She really let herself go."

It's basically a socially acceptable way to say, "She used to be such a hottie and now she looks to' up from the flo' up!"

If you think of the phrase logically, it could be a good thing. It could be referring to someone who used to be wound so tightly she looked like she suffered from massive constipation and is now easy breezy.

I think we should reclaim the phrase, letting yourself go and assign a different meaning to it. From now on, if you see someone who put on a few pounds and is still taking care of herself and seems happy (i.e. me) then you should say, "Wow, she really let herself go!"

Back To My Fighting Weight

As I write this post I am eating a bowl of cookies 'n cream ice cream with a smidge of hot fudge and a squirt of whipped cream. I am a not dieting woman of my word.

Anyhoo, you may be wondering why I just posted a couple of pics of nonskinny beauties. Well, I did it to prove a point. Just because you are not dieting and/or not skinny doesn't mean you can't look pretty/sexy/classy.

This weekend, I discovered I am back at my pre-Weight Watchers size 10 weight. Within the last year, I was 153...then 140...and now am back to 151. I took it a little harder than I thought I would and had an "I'm fat and unworthy day" yesterday. Instead of dwelling on it, I took to the internet and made myself feel better by looking at beautiful women who are not dieting.

Now I feel better and am reminding myself to be neutral about my weight and proactive about my mental and physical health.

Ferosh Fat

I can't believe I haven't dieted for 22 straight days! I feel pretty good most of the time, but it's hard to stop the negative chatting in my head about the way I look. Whenever it starts, I stop it right away. I never want to diet again.

I'm still sorting through my reintroduction to "forbidden foods". At first, all I wanted to eat was cereal and ice cream. Now, my body is craving more balanced meals. I'm even starting to yearn for celery and carrots! I'm more conscious of feelings of hunger and fullness. I used to want to eat a ton of "forbidden foods", but now I'm stopping when I feel full. I definitely eat past the point of fullness from time to time (hello, PMS), but I'm getting better at listening to my appetite.

The Waiting Game...

"I will ____ when I lose ___ lbs." Sound familiar? I know it by heart:

1. I'll buy some new clothes when I lose a few more pounds.
2. I'll start going to the gym when I lose a few more pounds.
3. I'll apply for a new job when I lose a few more pounds.
4. I'll begin dating again when I lose a few more pounds.
5. I'll eat again when I lose a few more pounds.
   

It is so easy to put off a potentially pleasurable experience when we think we aren't good enough. Well guess what? You may never be good enough! I have friends that are size 0-20 and they all fall victim to the aforementioned thought pattern.

A wise woman (me) once said, "There will always be someone fatter than you and always someone skinnier than you." Whether you believe it or not, you are already some woman's goal weight. So live it up! Sara Ramirez is a prime example of a woman who doesn't let her curvy frame keep her from taking care of her self. Gorgeous!

What 5 things are you putting off until your diet is over?

Media, Schmedia....

Some of you may be thinking: who is this crazy nut that is not dieting for one year?

Well, this crazy nut is 28 years old and has spent more than half her life on a diet. In fact, this is the first time since I was 12 that I have been NotDieting for any period of time. Since the age of 12 my life can be placed in two categories, dieting and overeating after the diet.

Strangely, I have never been overweight. I remember reading my mom's Vogue magazines when I was 7 or 8 years old and hoping, praying that one day I would be as beautiful as the models in the picture. I thought they must have perfect lives, filled with happiness and love. My own mom always told me I was beautiful and gave me lots of love, but the glossy pages were too seductive.

I don't blame the magazines themselves. I'm sure there are plenty of young girls who have glanced through the very same pages I once did without feeling completely inadequate. Aren't there? Anyway, I often wonder what would happen if I hadn't been exposed to media that glorifies physical perfection. Well, my skin would be pretty pasty because I'd have to live underground in order for that to happen! Today it is more prevalent then ever and equally dangerous.

I, too, like to live dangerously and I suspect that if you have made it to the bottom of this article, so do you. Let's blow this diet pop stand together and have a life filled with happiness and love, our way.

Life Imitates Art

Yesterday I went to a hockey game up in LA (engaged to a Canadian) and I kept singing this song. I told my fiance that my favorite part in the whole song was "Diet Coke and a pizza, please," because it was so ridiculous to order an entire pizza with a Diet Coke on the side.

He was more amused than I thought he would be. Turns out I had done that exact thing at the game by ordering a BBQ chicken pizza with a Diet Pepsi. It wasn't a whole pizza, but a personal pan size. Oh, well. I guess the joke is on me.

Cereal Is Back In My Life

Everyone who diets has certain rules that they impose upon themselves each and every day. Well, one of my many rules was "No Cereal Allowed". I would have the same freakin' bowl of oatmeal every day. I love oatmeal, but I also love cereal! So over the past week, guess what I've had for breakfast (and sometimes dinner) every single morning? You guessed it...cereal.

The first day of NotDieting, I ate a bowl quickly. Just like Will Ferrell said in Old School, "it tastes so good once it hits my lips". It had been sooo long since I had eaten cereal, that I quickly had another bowl. I felt too full, but reminded myself that I could be doing this since I had prohibited it for so long.

The next day, I had cereal again. This time I slowed down and enjoyed the bowl. Afterwards I felt full. I wanted some more of the taste, but reminded myself I could have more later when I was hungry.

The reason I'm writing this, is because I want people to be kind to themselves if they initially overindulge a bit when the begin NotDieting. Don't worry, it won't last for long. However, if you are mean to yourself about it afterwards, it will continue. So, if you eat a little too much of those foods that you haven't tasted in a long time...it's okay. Remind yourself that you are having a normal response.

NotDieting Leads to Less Binge Eating

Famous Dove Campaign

It's funny to me that whenever I mention my website to someone, they think that I am promoting a major bingefest. In fact, that is not at all what I am doing. Quite the opposite.

Since I have embarked on this journey 8 days ago, I have noticed my desire to overeat gradually disappear. Don't get me wrong, it's still there from time to time, but I haven't acted on it.

The goal of this website is to promote (to myself and others):
positive body image
listening to hunger cues when eating
removing restrictions of certain foods
enjoyable exercise that makes you feel good

50th Visitor!

I'd like to thank a few people for making this possible.

To my mom and dad: Thanks for being my 50th visitor!
To my cat: Thanks for curling up by me during my late night blog sessions.
To my fiance: Thanks for loving me through thick and thin : )
To Al Gore: Thanks for inventing the internet.

I think I can, I think I can...

The hardest thing about not dieting is when a friend loses a ton of weight on a diet and looks great! Seeing my friend's weight loss has increased the temptation to start dieting again. I won't do it because I really want to follow through with my experiment and follow through with all of you. I truly believe that diets make people who are already in a normal weight range more fat.

Here's why...Every time I go on a diet the first few days/weeks are great! I see a loss and immediately feel like my life is running much more smoothly than it ever has before. Then the deprivation starts to set in and all I can think about is whatever I am restricting myself from eating. Sometimes fruit, sometimes bread, sometimes ice cream, and any other number of forbidden items. I end up super stressed and if something negative happens, I run to the prohibited food for comfort.

I have to admit, today was the first day (since I started a week ago) that I felt a noticeable difference. My thoughts were not consumed by food and I was noticeably happier. It is incredibly relaxing and freeing to not be consumed with calories, POINTS, or fat grams. Even though I was tempted to count calories and lose weight like my friend, I'm glad I didn't. I posted this pic of Sara Ramirez, of Grey's Anatomy, because I think she's beautiful and bountiful.

Not dieting for one year...

I have been dieting for most of my life, despite the fact I have never had a weight problem. My dieting started out of adolescent insecurity and then became habit. Like most women, dieting has become such a natural part of my life that I feel completely crazed if I am not following a specific meal plan. I've reached a point in my life where I'm over it. If I'm going to gain 10 lbs. from eating an extra cookie after dinner, then so be it. I'm sick of dieting!