The Road To Recovery Paved With...Fat?

I just read this fascinating article about a mother who helped her daughter recover from anorexia. Some of the scenarios she describes are very familiar to me and my mom. When I was 15 I remember visiting a restaurant with my mom while on vacation. I ordered the salad (lettuce, no dressing, a few bits of chopped tomatoes) and hoped I would be able to eat it. When it arrived, there were a few croutons on it and I couldn't do it. I thought I would be able to act like I was "normal", but my brain wouldn't let me and tears started streaming down my face. I didn't want to make a scene so I went back to the car and waited for my family to finish eating. My mom came out to the car a minute or two later and she held me in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. I cried and cried. Hugging her felt so good.

Many people that haven't dealt first hand with eating disorders might be puzzled to know that I was anorexic and didn't want to be. I hated having anorexia. It was embarrassing to not be able to eat in social situations.

People made comments like, "I wish I had your willpower." Teachers asked me what my "diet secrets" were. I was 5'8", 100 lbs., and size 0 shorts would fall off me if I didn't wear a belt. With a waist size of 17 inches, I didn't think I was fat. Quite the opposite. I knew I was skeletal and incredibly embarrassed about the way everyone would stare at me. At one point, I allowed myself 500 calories a day. I didn't do it to lose weight, I did it because I hated myself. Nourishment of any kind was not allowed because I didn't think I deserved it.

I think that I never fully recovered from it. I grew to a "normal" weight, but still dieted. When I read an article on the importance of fat in recovery from anorexia, something clicked. The article talks about a study that showed anorexic patients who eat a diet of high fat, calorie-dense foods during their recovery were less likely to relapse than those who ate the same amount of calories, but less fat.

During my recovery, I ate more calories, but was still very restrictive about fat. To this day, I still buy diet this and fat free that. Last summer, at 27 years old, I joined Weight Watchers and began to lose a lot of weight. I didn't need to lose any weight in the first place, but I missed the familiar set of rules that caloric restriction brought to my life. It made me a little nervous to watch the pounds fall off my body. I asked my WW Meeting Leader if I was losing too much. She said I was fine. My hair started to fall out in fistfuls while I was showering. I remember that same thing happening 12 years ago and I was worried, but told myself anorexia couldn't be returning. I began to eat less and less until my brain kicked into action and said, "Eat!" This started a cycle of overeating and dieting which led me to creating this blog.

It's been over two months now and my journey into a life spent not dieting has been one filled with self-discovery...Stay tuned while my adventures continue!