Today I was reading some posts by various bloggers about weight gain. I have to say that right now, this minute, I don't give a crap what I weigh. I am so much more relaxed than I used to be while dieting. Dieting really does make people crazy. One of my friends is naturally thin, but recently went on (and off) a diet. She had never dieted before and was amazed how obsessed she became with food. We were talking about how food is all a dieter thinks about. She said she felt cranky and hungry all the time. Both of us agreed we'd rather be fat and happy than thin and grumpy.
My wedding day is fast approaching (37 days left) and I still haven't found a dress! I have been my usual obsessive self, buying and returning several dresses so far. I am freaking out about having everyone stare at me on my big day. My mom keeps assuring me that no one ever speaks poorly about the bride at her wedding, but I am still nervous. My fiance is very fit and I don't want everyone to look at me and think he could have done better. I'm having major anxiety about this. I have always been hyper aware of everyone's opinion of me. In some instances, this has served me well (i.e. job interviews). In others (i.e. wedding day) it is pretty cumbersome.
So, if I'm okay with my weight then why do I care if other people will be okay with it? Maybe I'm not really okay with it, but I feel like I am.
Why?
21 May 2008
Fat Bride: Who Cares?
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11 comments:
I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm always worried about what people think of me and I always feel like people are judging me. But here's what I have to say: THEY AREN'T.
I still feel like people are, all the time, but THEY AREN'T. Everyone is so selfish, so self-minded, that when you think they're looking at what you're eating, or when you think they're looking at you and him and saying "man, he could've done better" they're probably actually looking at you and thinking, "man, I wish I were married." or "man, I forgot to do my laundry." or "man, does my hair look okay? I bet everyone thinks I look terrible."
So, stop worrying. Look at it this way: if you're worrying about what they're thinking of you, don't you think they're probably worrying about what you're thinking of them?
Hope you find a wedding dress soon! I'm sure it will be absolutely fantastic!!
(a) I'm skimming through a Martha Beck book, and she cites a study done in the 50s where not overweight, very healthy men were put on a diet--and they all went crazy with grumpiness and hunger, and had trouble recovering from it.
(b) In all the weddings I've ever been to, watching the bride arrive is my favourite moment--and probably everyone's. Because every bride looks SO HAPPY. That's what makes them beautiful. I mean honestly... as far as dresses go, all brides look alike. What we all sign up for is to see the happiness. The only thing you have to do to make everyone whisper about how beautiful you look is to enjoy yourself, and focus on the meaning of the moment.
;-)
I had a serious case of prenuptual jitters that included a full scale freak-out about my weight, even though it was only a mild concern in my everyday life. My 5 year old niece told me my arms were fat and it sent me over the edge. It sounds rediculous now, but I actually tried to buy a new wedding dress (which didn't end up happening) and ended up hunting all over the state for a wrap that would match my dress so I could cover my arms. It turns out that the wrap was nice to have because it got chilly that day, but fat was the furthest thing from my mind once the day arrived. Maybe it was a good thing. Who knows how my nervousness would have manifested itself if I didn't have a mission to keep me occupied for those last few days.
Looking back at the day, all I remember is the butterflies in my stomach, the joy of having gotten through the ceremony, the fun of being a celebrity, and having my husband smile the sweetest smiles at me all day.
This is one of those moments that come along and really make us question our comfort in our own skin. I know I have the same type! I'm working on feeling good and happy with my fat body and then thoughts like "are people staring at my arm fat? What about the tummy bulge? Oh my goodness does my hair make my face look FATTER???"
But like chrissy mentioned, I just have to take a moment to remember that most likely no one is thinking anything like that.
As to the wedding jitters; just remember to be happy!! And if you're still dress hunting; try on something that in your own mind you KNOW won't look good. Often I get surprised by trying on something I would otherwise never wear and when I look I realize that Hey, this looks awesome! (Like wearing a sleeveless dress or something).
Best of luck and congratulations on the upcoming marriage!!!! :D
amen sister!
i've never been married, but i completely understand how you feel. i am a complete nut job when it comes to how people perceive me. i'm a confident person but when it comes to what people think of me whether it be what i look like, or how smart i am, or how capable i am, i totally lose my cool.
at the end of the day, it's your wedding. all that matters is what you think/feel. are you happy with your dress? hair? make up? oh yeah, and are you happy with who you've chosen as a partner?
don't get so caught up in what you look like that you forget to enjoy your day. if you're lucky, you only get one wedding!
Truly, it is the happiness of the couple that people see. Everything else fades away.
I went through the marriage rituals twice with my husband, once at City Hall where I was wearing a red and gold sari that his mother had sent (he's from Bangladesh), and again seven months later, when we went to visit Bdesh and everyone insisted on doing some of the traditional ceremonies and parties. I tell you, wearing saris plucked my last nerve of belly-hatred--on top of that, they are not the most intuitive article of clothing for Westerners--but I learned how to wear them and drape them and tuck them. And even though there are pictures capturing me on City-Hall day, when I'm getting dressed and looking at some piece of cloth like "is this Tab A, and if so, where is Slot B?"... even so, the pictures immediately before, during, and after the ceremony show me radiant and beautiful. You can see my pale belly just a little bit through the fine red fabric, and it looks gorgeous, partly because I am grinning like a fool.
(My hubby loves to see saris on me, he thinks they look amazing on me, and takes special pains to compliment me when I wear them, so over time I have gotten used to the slightly exposed sides...)
On top of this, I am big and tall, and my husband is short and small (5'2" to my 5'10", and I do wear heels for occasions). His whole family is relatively small and thin, and I did have moments of wondering if they would think, seeing us side by side, that he could have done "better". The answer was, you can't do better than being that much in love.
I was in a wedding over the weekend and I know that the bride has been dieting and working out for at least 3 months like crazy. Despite all of her "slowly sucking on one piece of chocolate for 20 minutes instead of eating a candy bar, I couldn't tell the difference. All I saw was that 1. She looked like a princess and 2. Her family is insane.
Did you see the new wedding dress at Igigi.com? http://www.igigi.com/plus-size-clothing/Plus-Size-New-Arrivals.html?linkid=largehomepageimage
Also Coco Myles lets you customize dresses with the tops and bottoms you want. They go up to size 30.
(www.cocomyles.com)
I am so sick of all the dieting crap focused on brides. It's all over the place, from magazines to planning sites. Anymore it's just considered de rigour to be dieting before you get married.
Yeah well, to hell with all that. I'd rather be happy and have lots of energy when I get married than be 5 lbs lighter than no one will notice. I went on a rant about that a few days ago on my own blog actually.
I am glad that you and your friend both realized this and decided not to diet anymore. I've been infinitely happier since I decided I would never diet again. At first I lost some weight, then gained some, and now I'm starting to exercise again to feel better, which I'm sure will eventually make me lose some... but I have to say... I don't care
Oh, Caitlin, you're gorgeous and seem to effortlessly exude style. I'm sure your wedding day will be no exception! The only thing people will be thinking about you both is how great a couple you are. Whatever you wear, you'll be absolutely radiant!
Hi Caitlyn,
Your blog is so kickin' cool. I love it. and I'm thrilled with what you are doing for women by spreading this message of empowerment. You are a real role model.
By the time you read this, you'll probably be married. I wish you every happiness. Marriage with the right guy can be wonderful
I'm happily married now for 18 years. Like you, I'm also a June bride, June 30 was my 18th anniversary.
Caitlyn, I would be tickled to share with your readers my experience of doing the same experiment as you. The only difference is that I've committed to living diet free forever.
I made the decision back in August of 2006 and at that time I decided to take the risk and gamble a weight loss that I had maintained for nearly 6 years.
The road has been filled with lots of exciting things, some good, some bad and some downright ugly.
The long and short of it is that I finally learned how to love myself when I stopped dieting and came face to face with my weight obsession and eating addiction. I discovered my beauty and perfection in the folds of my imperfection.
I don't recommend my particular path with food to everyone, but it was what I needed to rediscover who I was and what was important to me. I like to tell my clients that I've made all the mistakes so they don't have to.
My experience with not dieting cost me a weight gain of 35 pounds, before I learned that I had to do something else to make not dieting work for me and for other women also carrying around lots of emotional baggage. I'd be tickled to share my discoveries with you and your readers.
Let me know if you'd like to touch base. My email address is andrea@thejuicywoman.com
Have a deliciously juicy honeymoon!
Warmest regards,
Andrea
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