The Road To Recovery Paved With...Fat?

I just read this fascinating article about a mother who helped her daughter recover from anorexia. Some of the scenarios she describes are very familiar to me and my mom. When I was 15 I remember visiting a restaurant with my mom while on vacation. I ordered the salad (lettuce, no dressing, a few bits of chopped tomatoes) and hoped I would be able to eat it. When it arrived, there were a few croutons on it and I couldn't do it. I thought I would be able to act like I was "normal", but my brain wouldn't let me and tears started streaming down my face. I didn't want to make a scene so I went back to the car and waited for my family to finish eating. My mom came out to the car a minute or two later and she held me in her arms for what seemed like an eternity. I cried and cried. Hugging her felt so good.

Many people that haven't dealt first hand with eating disorders might be puzzled to know that I was anorexic and didn't want to be. I hated having anorexia. It was embarrassing to not be able to eat in social situations.

People made comments like, "I wish I had your willpower." Teachers asked me what my "diet secrets" were. I was 5'8", 100 lbs., and size 0 shorts would fall off me if I didn't wear a belt. With a waist size of 17 inches, I didn't think I was fat. Quite the opposite. I knew I was skeletal and incredibly embarrassed about the way everyone would stare at me. At one point, I allowed myself 500 calories a day. I didn't do it to lose weight, I did it because I hated myself. Nourishment of any kind was not allowed because I didn't think I deserved it.

I think that I never fully recovered from it. I grew to a "normal" weight, but still dieted. When I read an article on the importance of fat in recovery from anorexia, something clicked. The article talks about a study that showed anorexic patients who eat a diet of high fat, calorie-dense foods during their recovery were less likely to relapse than those who ate the same amount of calories, but less fat.

During my recovery, I ate more calories, but was still very restrictive about fat. To this day, I still buy diet this and fat free that. Last summer, at 27 years old, I joined Weight Watchers and began to lose a lot of weight. I didn't need to lose any weight in the first place, but I missed the familiar set of rules that caloric restriction brought to my life. It made me a little nervous to watch the pounds fall off my body. I asked my WW Meeting Leader if I was losing too much. She said I was fine. My hair started to fall out in fistfuls while I was showering. I remember that same thing happening 12 years ago and I was worried, but told myself anorexia couldn't be returning. I began to eat less and less until my brain kicked into action and said, "Eat!" This started a cycle of overeating and dieting which led me to creating this blog.

It's been over two months now and my journey into a life spent not dieting has been one filled with self-discovery...Stay tuned while my adventures continue!

Whitney Is In Top 3 of ANTM!

I'm so pumped that Whitney made it to the top 3! She is the only plus size model on the show, a size 10 compared to the other two girls who are a 0 and a 2. I think Tyra wants a plus size girl to win because she's gotten a lot of flak in the past from not letting a curvy model claim the prize. She talks a big game about size acceptance, but can she deliver? I hope so.

I noticed Whitney took Tyra's advice from last time, which was to not flaunt her boobs and ass. Tyra said modeling is not about overt sexuality (it isn't?) for bigger girls. She said plus size models need to tuck in their bums and curve in their chests to look less... overt. This episode, the judges said they wish Whitney showed off her body more in her recent photo shoot. They seemed puzzled that she wasn't drawing attention to her curves. Tyra didn't say anything, but the camera flashed to her and she looked secretly embarrassed.

Why is society so uncomfortable seeing provocative, sexy pictures of chubby women? If you flip through the pages of a fashion magazine you see tons of ads with skinny models posing in extremely sexually suggestive ways. This is not the case for plus size models. Usually, they are posed to look friendly and harmless.

Total Gastric Bypass

If you haven't already been to cartoonist Natalie Dee's website, then you are missing out on a lot of good times.

Full Disclosure

I was reviewing some of my older posts and there are a few things I want to come clean on. My previous post will be italicized and my current comments will be in print. Here it goes...

I have been dieting for most of my life, despite the fact I have never had a weight problem.
This part is true. I began dieting in middle school and now I'm 28. When I began dieting, I was thin. I don't know what I am now...depends on who you ask. I feel "average".

My dieting started out of adolescent insecurity and then became habit.
There was a lot more going on than adolescent insecurity during my middle school years. I had various traumatic events in my life which I'm not comfortable sharing now, but I may do so at a later date. Dieting in middle school led to anorexia in high school, which led to overeating in college.

Like most women, dieting has become such a natural part of my life that I feel completely crazed if I am not following a specific meal plan. I've reached a point in my life where I'm over it. If I'm going to gain 10 lbs from eating an extra cookie after dinner, then so be it. I'm sick of dieting!
This part is true. Learning to listen to my hunger and eat what I want is sometimes scary. Gaining a few extra pounds since I gave up dieting has not been easy. Part of me feels incredibly relieved to not count calories and the other part feels disappointed that I am a bit bigger.

I think I was secretly hoping I would lose weight by not dieting, but this has not been the case for me. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise, since by dieting I was not listening to my hunger cues. Alas, there is no turning back for me. I will never diet again. I want to be honest with myself and listen to what my body is telling me it needs. Thanks to all the supportive emails and comments I have received, not dieting is a little less scary than it could be if I was doing it alone.
Cartoon

Take The No Diet Day Pledge

I Pledge:

That I will not diet for one day, on May 6, International No Diet Day.

Instead of trying to change my body to fit someone else's standards, I will accept myself just as I am.

I will feed myself if I'm hungry. I will feel no shame or guilt about my size or about eating.

I will think about whether dieting has improved my health and well-being or not.

And I will try to do at least one thing I have been putting off 'until I lose weight.'

Signed, __________________________________________________

Source

Happy International No Diet Day!

International No Diet Day was founded by Mary Evans-Young, author of Diet Breaking: Having It All Without Having To Diet. She explains how it all began on Largesse: the Network for Size Acceptance.

"I started INDD in the spring of '92 following two things. The first was seeing a television programme where women were having their stomachs stapled. One woman had split the staples and was in for her third op[eration]. And then a young girl of 15 committed suicide because 'she couldn't cope being fat.' She was size 14 (12 in US). I decided somebody had to stand up and try to stop this bloody madness and in the absence of anybody else, I decided it would be me. So I sent out a press release titled 'Fat Woman Bites Back'...and got some media attention. I was desperate to keep the anti-diet/size acceptance concept in the public eye. So, without really thinking about it, at the end of a live TV interview I said, 'Don't forget to celebrate No Diet Day.' ...Having declared it on prime time national TV I then set about organising a picnic in Hyde Park. Alas it rained, so we adjourned to my living room instead."

Here are Top 10 Reasons to Give Up Dieting:

10. DIETS DON'T WORK. Even if you lose weight, you will probably gain it all back, and you might gain back more than you lost.
9. DIETS ARE EXPENSIVE. If you didn't buy special diet products, you could save enough to get new clothes, which would improve your outlook right now.
8. DIETS ARE BORING. People on diets talk and think about food and practically nothing else. There's a lot more to life.
7. DIETS DON'T NECESSARILY IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH. Like the weight loss, health improvement is temporary. Dieting can actually cause health problems.
6. DIETS DON'T MAKE YOU BEAUTIFUL. Very few people will ever look like models. Glamour is a look, not a size. You don't have to be thin to be attractive.
5. DIETS ARE NOT SEXY. If you want to be more attractive, take care of your body and your appearance. Feeling healthy makes you look your best.
4. DIETS CAN TURN INTO EATING DISORDERS. The obsession to be thin can lead to anorexia, bulimia, bingeing, and compulsive exercising.
3. DIETS CAN MAKE YOU AFRAID OF FOOD. Food nourishes and comforts us, and gives us pleasure. Dieting can make food seem like your enemy, and can deprive you of all the positive things about food.
2. DIETS CAN ROB YOU OF ENERGY. If you want to lead a full and active life, you need good nutrition, and enough food to meet your body's needs.

And the number one reason to give up dieting:
1. Learning to love and accept yourself just as you are will give you self-confidence, better health, and a sense of well-being that will last a lifetime.

Pink Gets Intervention From Concerned Friends

Pink, Alecia Moore, lovingly refers to her obliques as "tranny abs" in a recent edition of Allure magazine. There is a one page layout consisting of "10 Lessons" we can learn from Pink on how to be as fit as her. I'm not sure why this article hasn't gotten more publicity because it contains some alarming quotes from Pink. Allure sets up the "10 Lessons" by stating that Pink "jogs for an hour and does another hour of yoga each day."

Lesson #1: A Little Obsession Doesn't Hurt
"I'm very dedicated to staying in shape when I'm on tour. In fact, last year my crew staged an intervention to try to get me to stop going to the gym so much." It's possible she is being sarcastic, but the context this quote is presented in the article implies that she is serious. The title of Lesson #1 plays into the idea that it is normal and healthy to be obsessed with how you look. It may be prevalent, but that doesn't make it healthy. Allure should know better, especially since they talk about Hilary Duff's diet obsession in the same issue.

Lesson #6: Accept Your Personal Quirks
"It would be nice to stretch myself a few inches...I wish I looked more feminine...I wish my legs weren't so muscular...there's nothing more beautiful than that feminine, curvy shape with the pouch in the middle. But that's not how I am." Actually Pink, that is how you are. Or at least how you would be if you didn't exercise so much you had a fitness intervention. Why does Allure think it is okay to call this lesson "Accept Your Personal Quirks" when the quotes following it are anything but? Allure should have called this lesson, 'Pick Apart Your Body'.

Lesson #7: Make (and Break) Your Own Rules
"Mostly I eat lots of greens, tofu, and fish...I allow myself one piece of cheese with one cracker a day...You do have to cheat now and then." I hardly call that cheating. Even the use of the word cheating indicates that she is constantly restricting food. Once again, Allure tries to make Pink seem healthy by saying she is not super anal about following rules. But, she is.

This article is just another example of magazines playing to our insecurities. Buyer beware.